( piano playing )
Carrie Fisher: ¶ HAPPY DAYS ¶
¶ ARE HERE AGAIN ¶
¶ THE SKIES ABOVE ARE CLEAR AGAIN... ¶
Man: GUYS, WE'RE AT ABOUT 30 MINUTES TO 8:00, SO HOW ARE WE DOING?
¶ SO LET'S SING A SONG ¶
¶ OF CHEER AGAIN ¶
¶ HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN... ¶
Man: I HAVE BRIAN STANDING BY FOR A MIKE CHECK WHENEVER YOU GUYS ARE READY.
- Man #2: GREAT, THANK YOU. - ¶ ALL TOGETHER SHOUT IT NOW ¶
¶ THERE'S NO ONE WHO CAN DOUBT IT NOW ¶
¶ SO LET'S TELL THE WORLD ABOUT IT NOW... ¶
CARRIE, WHEN YOU HAVE A MOMENT, COULD YOU JUST
COUNT ONE TO 10 FOR ME, PLEASE, AND MOVE AROUND A LITTLE BIT?
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX,
SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, 10.
¶ THERE'LL BE NO MORE ¶
¶ FROM NOW ON... ¶
- OKAY, HERE WE GO. - ¶ FROM NOW ON... ¶
ALL RIGHT.
¶ HAPPY DAYS ¶
¶ ARE HERE AGAIN ¶
¶ THE SKIES ABOVE ¶
¶ ARE CLEAR AGAIN... ¶
Woman: THERE'S A BIG, FULL HOUSE OUT THERE.
THEY'RE SETTLING THEM IN. THEY'RE VERY EXCITED.
¶ HAPPY TIMES, HAPPY NIGHTS... ¶
SORRY.
¶ HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE... ¶
HI.
I'M CARRIE FISHER, AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.
¶ AGAIN. ¶
I DIDN'T REALLY GET YOUR AREA THAT WELL, DID I?
AWW.
THANK YOU. HERE.
( laughter )
OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT.
YOU'RE VERY WELCOME. ANYTIME.
( sighs )
OKAY, NOW...
I HAVE TO START BY TELLING YOU
THAT MY ENTIRE LIFE
COULD BE SUMMED UP IN ONE PHRASE,
AND THAT IS:
IF MY LIFE WASN'T FUNNY
IT WOULD JUST BE TRUE,
AND THAT IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.
NOW WHAT THAT MEANS IS,
OTHER THAN WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE,
LET'S SAY SOMETHING HAPPENS, RIGHT?
AND FROM A CERTAIN SLANT MAYBE IT'S TRAGIC,
EVEN A LITTLE BIT SHOCKING.
AND THEN TIME PASSES
AND YOU GO TO THE FUNNY SLANT.
AND NOW THAT VERY SAME THING
CAN NO LONGER DO YOU ANY HARM.
SO WHAT WE'RE REALLY TALKING ABOUT THEN
IS LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION.
NOW AN EXAMPLE OF THE TRAGIC AND SHOCKING
MIGHT BE:
ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO,
FOUR MONTHS AND NINE DAYS,
A FRIEND OF MINE DIED AT MY HOUSE.
BUT NOT CONTENT
TO SIMPLY DIE AT MY HOUSE,
THIS GUY ALSO DIED IN MY BED.
YEAH.
SO HE DIDN'T JUST DIE IN HIS SLEEP,
HE DIED IN MINE.
IF YOU ENTERTAIN LIKE I DO,
REALLY TRY TO ALERT YOUR GUESTS
NOT TO DO THIS, OKAY?
FOR TWO REASONS REALLY:
A-- IT'S KIND OF BAD MANNERS
IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW?
AND TWO--
IT TENDS TO THROW THE HOST,
OR HOSTESS,
OFF THEIR GAME A LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW,
LIKE, FOR A YEAR
OR FIVE.
GREG WAS ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS.
HE WAS NOT MY BOYFRIEND OR ANYTHING, YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, HE DIDN'T DIE IN THE SADDLE,
WHICH WOULD'VE MADE ME THE SADDLE.
NOW IF YOU HAVE, SERIOUSLY,
ANY QUESTIONS AT ALL
ABOUT WHAT IT'S LIKE TO WAKE UP NEXT TO A CORPSE
WHO WAS VERY RECENTLY A BELOVED FRIEND,
YOU COULD JUST SHOUT OUT WHATEVER QUESTION YOU HAD
AND I WOULD DO MY VERY BEST TO FIELD IT.
SO YOU'VE ALL WOKEN UP WITH DEAD BODIES?
Man: WHAT WERE YOU WEARING?
WHAT WAS I WEARING?
YOU MEAN, IF IT WAS, LIKE, A WRONG OUTFIT
THAT MIGHT HAVE KILLED HIM?
NOW ACTUALLY ONE OF MY FAVORITE QUESTIONS
THAT I'VE BEEN ASKED IS WAS I NAKED.
I HAVEN'T BEEN NAKED
IN 15 YEARS.
AND I HAVEN'T BEEN SLEEVELESS IN 20.
SOME OF YOU LADIES KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
I SHOULD TELL YOU AT THIS POINT
JUST TO GET YOU GOING HERE,
GREG WAS A REPUBLICAN,
WHICH I DO BELIEVE CONTRIBUTED IN PART
TO HIS DEATH.
( applause )
WELL, BUT NO, HE DID--
HE HAD A VERY VERY SERIOUS CASE.
HE WAS A LOBBYIST,
WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY FATAL IN SOME INSTANCES.
Woman: WHAT WAS HE WEARING?
WHAT WAS HE WEARING?
WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MATTER?
HE WAS DEAD.
THE DEAD, CONTRARY TO RUMOR,
DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHAT THEY'RE WEARING.
Woman #2: WHO WAS THE FIRST PERSON YOU CALLED?
WHO WOULD YOU CALL IN THAT SITUATION?
- Woman #2: I'M NOT SURE. - Woman #3: YOUR MOTHER.
WELL YES, THAT'S TRUE.
WELL, NOW IF YOU KNEW MY MOTHER, MAYBE NOT.
911, OKAY?
AND THE POLICE DID COME, AS THEY OFTEN DO
WHEN THERE ARE DEAD BODIES STREWN ABOUT.
SO I'M ACTUALLY-- I'M STANDING
IN THE LIVING ROOM WITH THIS POLICEMAN.
HE TURNS TO ME AND HE SAYS,
"I REALLY LIKE YOUR HOUSE."
MY FRIEND DAVE SAID TO ME AT THE TIME,
"YOU KNOW, HONEY, I KNOW THIS IS ALL
JUST A GIGANTIC PAIN IN THE ASS."
AND I SAID,
"IF I COULD ISOLATE THE PAIN
JUST TO MY ASS,
IT WOULD BE FANTASTIC."
AND HE SAID, "WELL,
THAT'S THE MEDITATION THEN."
ANYWAY, ENOUGH ABOUT DEATH, OKAY?
I JUST-- I WANTED TO GET
THAT BUMMER STORY OUT OF THE WAY
AT THE TOP OF THE SHOW.
NOW I WAS BORN IN BURBANK, CALIFORNIA,
TO SIMPLE FOLK,
PEOPLE OF THE LAND.
NO, ACTUALLY.
MY FATHER WAS A FAMOUS SINGER.
¶ TWEEDLE DEE, TWEEDLE DEE ¶
¶ TWEEDLE DEE DEE ¶
¶ I'M AS HAPPY AS CAN BE... ¶
AND MY MOM-- YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING REALLY COOL?
MY MOTHER'S A MOVIE STAR.
- ( fans cheering ) - Woman: DEBBIE, WE LOVE YOU!
SHE IS LITERALLY, LIKE, AN ICON--
A GAY ICON,
BUT YOU TAKE YOUR ICONIC STATURE
WHERE YOU CAN GET IT.
MY FATHER--
HE HAD A LOT OF HIT SONGS.
BUT I THINK THE ONE HE'S BEST REMEMBERED FOR
IS THE SONG "OH! MY PAPA"--
¶ OH! MY PAPA... ¶
--WHICH I LIKE TO CALL
"OH MY FAUX PAS."
AND MY MOTHER, SHE HAD--
SHE DID TONS OF FILMS, YOU KNOW,
BUT PROBABLY THE ONE SHE'S BEST REMEMBERED FOR
IS THE CLASSIC FILM "SINGING IN THE RAIN."
SHE WAS ALSO NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR FOR BEST ACTRESS
FOR HER WORK IN "THE UNSINKABLE MOLLY BROWN."
BUT SHE LOST TO JULIE ANDREWS
FOR HER STUNNING, LAYERED
AND MOVING PORTRAIT
OF MARY POPPINS.
I THINK IT WAS IBSEN'S "MARY POPPINS."
AND MY MOTHER--
SHE ALSO MADE ANOTHER FILM CALLED "TAMMY,"
WHICH WAS A HIT SONG AS WELL,
WHICH REALLY PISSED OFF MY DAD
'CAUSE THAT WAS HIS AREA, YOU KNOW?
¶ TAMMY, TAMMY ¶
¶ CAN'T LET HIM GO... ¶
SHE WAS-- ACTUALLY SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH ME
WHEN SHE FILMED "TAMMY."
SHE WAS ALSO PREGNANT WITH ME
IN YET ANOTHER FILM.
AND THIS ONE WAS CALLED "A BUNDLE OF JOY,"
COSTARRING THAT MARVELOUS METHOD ACTOR
EDDIE FISHER.
( swing music playing )
PREGNANT, OKAY?
OH, NOW YOU'RE GONNA SEE
LAMAZE IN THE '50s COMING UP.
THERE IT IS. OH YEAH.
I THINK THAT EXPLAINS A LOT, DON'T YOU?
( applause )
YEAH.
WHEN I WAS BORN
MY MOM WAS GIVEN ANESTHESIA.
THEY DIDN'T HAVE EPIDURALS IN THOSE DAYS, RIGHT?
SO MY MOTHER WAS UNCONSCIOUS.
NOW MY MOTHER
IS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL TODAY AT 78.
AT 24
SHE LOOKED LIKE A CHRISTMAS MORNING.
SO ALL THE DOCTORS-- THEY'RE BUZZING AROUND HER HEAD GOING,
"OH LOOK, THERE'S DEBBIE REYNOLDS ASLEEP.
HOW PRETTY."
THEN MY FATHER, UPON SEEING ME,
YOU KNOW, START TO COME THROUGH--
CROWN, WITH ALL THE PLACENTA AND THE-- UGH--
MY FATHER FAINTS DEAD AWAY.
SO NOW ALL THE NURSES GO,
"OH LOOK, THERE'S EDDIE FISHER THE CROONER
ON THE GROUND. LET'S GO LOOK AT HIM."
SO WHEN I ARRIVED
I WAS VIRTUALLY UNATTENDED.
AND I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO MAKE UP FOR THAT FACT EVER SINCE.
EVEN THIS SHOW TONIGHT
IS A PATHETIC BID FOR THE ATTENTION
THAT I LACKED AS A NEWBORN.
- ( applause ) - OH, THANK YOU.
THAT HELPS SO MUCH.
YEAH.
MY DAD-- HE WAS BEST FRIENDS
WITH THIS VERY VERY CHARISMATIC PRODUCER
WHOSE NAME WAS MIKE TODD.
HE PRODUCED A FILM CALLED
"AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS,"
WHICH WON AN OSCAR FOR BEST PICTURE.
SO MY FATHER, MY MOTHER,
MIKE TODD AND HIS FIANCEE,
WHO HAPPENED TO BE ELIZABETH TAYLOR--
WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY WENT EVERYWHERE TOGETHER, RIGHT?
I MEAN, THEY WENT TO NIGHTCLUBS. THEY WENT ON CRUISES.
THEY LITERALLY TRAVELED THE WORLD.
SO WHEN MIKE AND ELIZABETH GOT MARRIED,
MY FATHER WAS MIKE TODD'S BEST MAN
AND MY MOTHER WAS
ELIZABETH'S MATRON OF HONOR.
YEAH.
SHE EVEN WASHED HER HAIR ON HER WEDDING DAY.
NOW LATER I DID HEAR HER MUMBLE
THAT SHE WISHED SHE'D WASHED IT WITH NAIR.
BUT SHE'S NOT A BITTER WOMAN REALLY, YOU KNOW.
ANYWAY, I WAS ABOUT ONE AND A HALF OR TWO
WHEN MY BROTHER WAS BORN.
AND MY FATHER-- HE SO ADORED
THIS MAN MIKE TODD
THAT MY BROTHER TODD WAS NAMED FOR HIM.
BUT, YOU KNOW, IN THE JEWISH FAITH
IT IS CONSIDERED BACK LUCK
TO NAME A NEWBORN
AFTER SOMEONE WHO'S STILL LIVING--
A SILLY SUPERSTITION...
OR SO THEY THOUGHT.
'CAUSE ABOUT A YEAR LATER
MIKE TODD TOOK OFF
IN A PRIVATE PLANE IN A RAINSTORM.
Newscaster: MISS TAYLOR WAS IN A STATE OF COLLAPSE
FOLLOWING THE DEATH OF HER HUSBAND IN A PLANE CRASH.
AND THE FOLLOWING MORNING
ELIZABETH WAS A WIDOW.
WELL, YOU KNOW,
NATURALLY MY FATHER FLEW
TO ELIZABETH'S SIDE,
GRADUALLY MAKING HIS WAY
SLOWLY TO HER FRONT.
( laughter )
HE DRIED HER EYES WITH HIS HANDKERCHIEF.
HE CONSOLED HER WITH FLOWERS.
AND ULTIMATELY HE CONSOLED HER
WITH HIS PENIS.
THIS MADE MARRIAGE TO MY MOTHER AWKWARD.
AND SO HE WAS GONE WITHIN THE WEEK.
Newscaster: DEBBIE REYNOLDS WENT INTO COURT
AND IN FIVE MINUTES HAD A DIVORCE FROM EDDIE FISHER.
SHOWING NO EMOTION, THE 26-YEAR-OLD TESTIFIED
HER HUSBAND HAD BECOME INTERESTED IN ANOTHER WOMAN.
IT WASN'T LONG AFTERWARD THAT THE SINGER WAS MARRIED
TO THE WIDOW OF HIS GOOD FRIEND MIKE TODD.
RECENTLY MY DAUGHTER BILLIE--
SHE'S ACTUALLY ABOUT TO TURN 18--
SHE HAD A FLIRTATION
WITH MIKE TODD AND ELIZABETH'S GRANDSON.
AND WHEN THEY FIRST MET, YOU KNOW,
THEY WERE TRYING TO WORK OUT
HOW IT ALL FIT TOGETHER, RIGHT,
AND IF THEY WERE RELATED IN ANY WAY.
SO I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
NOW WHEN I THINK,
I NEED AN ENORMOUS BLACKBOARD.
ALSO IT IS HELPFUL
IF I CAN HAVE A STICK.
THAT WAY I COULD POINT
TO THE VARIOUS PEOPLE ON THE BLACKBOARD AND--
WHEN YOU PRAY.
THIS IS GARRET--
MY SPIRITUAL ADVISOR AND GYNECOLOGIST.
THANK YOU.
WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW.
SO WELCOME, CLASS, TO HOLLYWOOD 101.
ALL RIGHT, SO OVER HERE
WE HAVE DEBBIE AND EDDIE.
NOW IN THE '50s THEY WERE KNOWN
AS AMERICA'S SWEETHEARTS.
FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT ARE YOUNGER,
TRY TO THINK OF IT THIS WAY:
THINK OF EDDIE AS BRAD PITT,
DEBBIE AS JENNIFER ANISTON
AND ELIZABETH AS ANGELINA JOLIE.
DOES THAT HELP?
THAT SHOULD HELP, RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, SO...
EDDIE CONSOLES ELIZABETH WITH HIS PENIS.
ELIZABETH TAKES A MOVIE IN ROME--
A BIG-BUDGET FILM "CLEOPATRA."
SHE MEETS HER COSTAR RICHARD BURTON.
WELL, GOODBYE EDDIE, HELLO RICHARD.
THE TWO OF THEM-- THEY HIT IT OFF
LIKE GANGBUSTERS, YOU KNOW?
AND THEY MET AND THEY MARRIED
AND THEY HAD A WILD, TEMPESTUOUS RELATIONSHIP
OF VIOLET EYES AND WELSH ACCENTS
AND DRINKING AND DANCING
AND LUST AND JOY AND FUN.
BUT IT WAS A TEMPESTUOUS RELATIONSHIP.
SO AFTER A WHILE
THE STORM CLOUDS CAME, AND WHAT HAPPENED?
NO CHEATING. WHAT?
STORM CLOUDS ARE A NEGATIVE.
Woman: DIVORCE.
- DIVORCE, OKAY. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - NICOLE.
- WHAT? - NICOLE.
NICOLE. OKAY, NICOLE,
WHAT WE DO WITH OUR BETTER STUDENTS
HERE AT HOLLYWOOD 101--
WE PROVIDE THEM WITH A MEDAL.
THINK OF IT AS A METAPHOR
- FOR GETTING A MEDAL. - OKAY.
- LOOK, IT'S KIND OF LIKE BEING IN "THE WIZARD OF OZ." - SHOULD I COME AND GET IT?
¶ YOU'RE OUT OF THE WOODS, YOU'RE OUT OF THE DARK, YOU'RE OUT OF THE-- ¶
- NOW LOOK, YOU HAVE TO UNDO IT BECAUSE-- - OH, THANK YOU.
THERE WE GO. NOW, NICOLE, YOU STILL--
- THE MEDAL FELL OFF. - OH JESUS.
WELL, LET ME JUST PUT IT IN YOUR CLEAVAGE THEN.
( audience laughter )
- WHICH IS AMPLE. - THAT'S GOOD.
- OKAY. - THANK YOU.
NOW, NICOLE,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO STILL EARN THIS, OKAY?
- OKAY, I GOT IT. - ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN SIT BACK DOWN.
- ALL RIGHT, SO... - ( applause )
AS NICOLE SAID,
THEY DID GET A DIVORCE.
BUT THEY HAD
GOOD MEMORIES OF EACH OTHER,
SO, NICOLE, WHAT'D THEY DO THEN?
- THEY GOT MARRIED AGAIN. - THEY REMARRIED. EXACTLY.
ALL RIGHT, NOW KEEP THAT IN MIND
'CAUSE IT MIGHT COME UP AGAIN.
LET'S GO TO DEBBIE, OKAY?
DEBBIE DOES NOT WANT
ANOTHER MAN WHO'LL JUST RUN OFF.
SO SHE MARRIES
SOMEONE VERY VERY OLD, WHO CAN'T RUN.
NOW HE JUST SITS IN A CHAIR,
HE SMOKES AND HE DRINKS.
AND AFTER ABOUT 13 YEARS
HE LOSES ALL HIS MONEY
AND THEN HE TAKES ALL HERS--
FUN.
AND THEY GOT DIVORCED.
AND SHE WAS ALONE FOR A WHILE.
BUT THEN FATE INTERVENED
AND BROUGHT HER THIS SOCIOPATH.
YEAH, THAT'S RICHARD HAMLETT.
HE HAD MONEY ISSUES TOO-- HER MONEY.
BUT NOW BEFORE WE GET TOO FAR PAST
THIS FIRST STEPFATHER RIGHT HERE,
THIS MAN IS NAMED HARRY KARL.
HARRY WAS A SHOE TYCOON.
DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THOSE WORDS
SHOULD FIT TOGETHER, DOES IT? IN THIS CASE THEY DO.
ALL RIGHT, SO PRIOR TO BEING MARRIED TO MY MOM,
HARRY WAS MARRIED TO THIS WOMAN RIGHT HERE.
THIS IS MARIE McDONALD--
MARIE "THE BODY" McDONALD,
AS SHE WAS KNOWN.
MARIE WAS AN ACTRESS-- ISH.
AND SO THEY MET AND THEY MARRIED,
AND THEY HAD A WILD, TEMPESTUOUS RELATIONSHIP.
THEY HAD A CHILD.
AND THAT WENT SO WELL,
THEY ADOPTED TWO MORE.
NOW MARIE McDONALD
WAS A VERY OPTIMISTIC, ROMANTIC WOMAN.
AND I SAY THIS BECAUSE SHE MARRIED
A GRAND TOTAL OF NINE TIMES.
YEAH.
NOW THAT IS A RECORD FOR THE BOARD.
AND THAT IS SAYING SOMETHING,
BECAUSE THIS IS A MARRYING BOARD.
IF YOU MARRY THAT MANY TIMES,
YOU'RE BOUND TO GET A HEADACHE, NO?
TWICE GAVE ME A WHOPPER.
ANYWAY, I THINK IT DID, YOU KNOW,
GIVE POOR MARIE A HEADACHE
BECAUSE SHE WOUND UP ADDICTED TO PAINKILLERS.
NOW YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING REALLY WILD?
I JUST FOUND THIS OUT.
IF YOU GET ADDICTED TO PAINKILLERS,
IT CAN TURN OUT TO GO VERY WRONG FOR YOU.
WHO KNEW THAT?
IT DID GO WRONG FOR MARIE,
BECAUSE SHE ENDED UP OVERDOSING AND PASSING ON.
AND THAT LAST HUSBAND OF HERS
SHOT HIMSELF.
WELL, THEY LOVED EACH OTHER TO DEATH.
SO NOW THERE ARE THESE THREE CHILDREN LEFT.
WHAT SHOULD WE DO WITH THEM?
OH, I KNOW.
LET'S SEND THEM TO HARRY AND DEBBIE.
THEY ARE TOLD
THAT ONE OF THESE THREE CHILDREN
SHOULD BE INSTITUTIONALIZED.
BUT MY MOTHER IS A GOOD PERSON,
MUCH LIKE SARAH PALIN, ONLY SMARTER.
AND SHE SAID, "ABSOLUTELY NOT.
WE WILL PUT HER
IN CARRIE'S ROOM!"
IT'S FUNNY NOW.
NOW LET'S GO TO EDDIE, SHALL WE?
HOW DO YOU FOLLOW AN ACT LIKE ELIZABETH TAYLOR, RIGHT?
SO HE-- HE THINKS OF SOMETHING THOUGH.
HE DOES PULL SOMETHING TOGETHER.
HE MEETS THIS WOMAN RIGHT HERE.
NOW THIS IS A BLONDE, CUTE,
PERKY LITTLE ACTRESS.
SOUNDS FAMILIAR, DOESN'T IT?
NO, IT'S NOT DEBBIE AGAIN.
IT'S A TRIBUTE TO DEBBIE.
IT'S CONNIE STEVENS!
SO THEY MET AND THEY HAD
JOELY FISHER AND TRICIA FISHER.
OH WAIT. HANG ON A SECOND.
DID THEY FORGET TO GET MARRIED?
THEY DID. THEY FORGOT.
WELL, BUT NOW THEY REMEMBER AND THEY MARRY.
BUT AS ALL OF YOU KNOW,
LEGAL SEX IS JUST SHITE.
THEY HAVE THE DREADFUL LEGAL SEX.
THE STORM CLOUDS COME. NICOLE, WHAT HAPPENED?
- THEY GET DIVORCED. - THEY GOT A DIVORCE.
BUT DON'T WORRY. MY FATHER'S NOT ALONE FOR LONG.
BECAUSE NOW HE MEETS AND MARRIES
THIS GIRL--
MISS LOUISIANA!
YES, SHE'S THREE YEARS OLDER THAN I AM
AND SHE CALLS ME "DEAR."
SHE'S IN HER EARLY 20s. HE'S IN HIS LATE 50s.
SHE HAD SO MANY YEARS TO DEVOTE TO HIM.
BUT WEIRDLY,
AFTER A VERY SHORT TIME,
NICOLE, WHAT HAPPENED?
THEY DIVORCED.
I WAS STUNNED.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
MY FATHER IS NOT ALONE FOR LONG.
BECAUSE NOW HE MEETS AND MARRIES
THIS WOMAN RIGHT HERE.
THIS IS BETTY LIN. BETTY'S FROM SHANGHAI.
AND SHE TAKES GREAT CARE OF MY DAD,
WHICH, YOU KNOW, HE NEEDS.
ALSO, BETTY IS RICH,
WHICH IS HANDY, 'CAUSE MY FATHER
HAS GONE BANKRUPT FOUR TIMES BY NOW.
ANYWAY, THEY'RE TOGETHER
15 GLORIOUS YEARS.
BUT THEN, NICOLE, WHAT HAPPENED?
- THEY GOT A DIVORCE? - NO.
- NO? - THIS IS A TRICK QUESTION.
SHE DID-- SHE PASSED AWAY.
I KNOW. IT WAS REALLY SAD.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
MY DAD IS NOT ALONE FOR LONG.
BECAUSE NOW MY FATHER DATES
ALL OF CHINATOWN!
WELL, NOW HANG ON A SECOND NOW.
MY FATHER HAS HAD SO MANY FACELIFTS
THAT HE LOOKS ASIAN HIMSELF.
IT MAKES IT MORE RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
SO LET'S RECAP, SHALL WE?
OKAY, EDDIE AND DEBBIE HAVE THE GOOD SEX.
THEY CELEBRATE. THEY HAVE TODD AND MYSELF.
I GROW UP-- ( chuckles )
A MATTER OF OPINION.
AND I MEET AND MARRY THIS MAN RIGHT HERE.
THIS IS PAUL SIMON.
PAUL SIMON IS A SHORT JEWISH SINGER.
( laughter )
A SHORT JEWISH SINGER.
ANY QUESTIONS?
MY MOTHER MAKES A BLUEPRINT
AND I FOLLOW IT TO THE LETTER.
ALL RIGHT, SO PAUL AND I-- GREAT MARRIAGE,
WORDS WORDS, SO MANY WORDS,
BIG WORDS, CLEVER WORDS.
UH-OH, THE WORDS GET MEAN, NICOLE. WHAT HAPPENED?
- YOU DIVORCED. - WE DIVORCED.
BUT DON'T WORRY. I AM NOT ALONE FOR LONG,
BECAUSE NOW I MEET THIS GOY-- GUY.
THIS GUY.
THIS IS BRYAN LOURD. BRYAN'S A TALENT AGENT--
LESS WORDS, GOOD SEX. WE CELEBRATE.
WE HAVE BILLIE LOURD, OKAY?
ELIZABETH TAYLOR AND MIKE TODD--
THEY HAVE LIZA TODD.
AND WHEN MIKE PASSES AWAY,
MY FATHER ADOPTS HER.
ALSO, LIZA IS A WONDERFUL SCULPTRESS.
AND SHE MEETS AND MARRIES HER ART PROFESSOR--
PROFESSOR HAP TIVEY.
HAP IS SHORT FOR HAPPY, SO HE'S NOT JEWISH.
ANYWAY, THEY MEET AND THEY CELEBRATE.
THEY HAVE QUINN TIVEY AND RHYS TIVEY.
SO QUINN TIVEY
AND BILLIE LOURD--
ARE THEY RELATED?
Man: NO.
ARE THEY?
Audience: NO.
YES, THEY ARE.
I TOLD THEM,
"YOU ARE RELATED BY SCANDAL."
I JUST-- I HOPE THE TWO OF THEM MARRY
SO ALL THIS WILL HAVE BEEN WORTHWHILE.
AND THAT IS HOLLYWOOD INBREEDING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
( grunts )
HOLLYWOOD INBREEDING--
IT'S A LITTLE BIT LIKE ROYAL INBREEDING, YOU KNOW.
AND CELEBRITY--
IT'S KIND OF LIKE AMERICA'S ROYALTY, RIGHT?
I ACTUALLY--
I LIKE TO THINK OF CELEBRITY
AS JUST OBSCURITY BIDING ITS TIME.
SO...
( laughter )
SO MY BROTHER AND I
GREW UP WATCHING OUR PARENTS'
ONCE WHITE HOT, BRIGHT STAR OF CELEBRITY
SLOWLY DIM, COOL AND FADE.
WE WATCHED THIS
FROM A HOUSE THAT I CALL THE EMBASSY.
'CAUSE REALLY IT LOOKED MUCH MORE LIKE A PLACE
WHERE YOU'D GET YOUR PASSPORT STAMPED, YOU KNOW,
WELL, THAN A HOUSE.
I MEAN, WHERE WOULD YOU PUT A CHRISTMAS WREATH ON A THING LIKE THIS?
IT LOOKS LIKE AN AIR CONDITIONER, DOESN'T IT?
SO OBVIOUSLY IT IS A MODERN HOUSE,
A WARM HOUSE.
AND IT HAD THINGS
THAT MOST NORMAL HOUSES DON'T HAVE.
FOR EXAMPLE, WE HAD
EIGHT LITTLE PINK REFRIGERATORS
IN CASE SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARVES SHOWED UP.
AND WE HAD A LANAI.
OH, WE HAD THREE POOLS,
IN CASE TWO BROKE.
MY STEPFATHER HARRY KARL--
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED OR NOT--
HE WASN'T REALLY A HANDSOME MAN.
BUT BECAUSE HE WAS WEALTHY
AND WELL-GROOMED,
HE WAS SAID TO BE DISTINGUISHED-LOOKING.
THAT'S UGLY WITH MONEY.
( chuckles )
ACTUALLY THEY MADE A MOVIE
ABOUT HARRY KARL AND MARIE McDONALD
AND THE MULTIPLE MARRIAGES,
AND IT WAS CALLED "THE MARRYING MAN."
AND ALEC BALDWIN PLAYED HARRY KARL.
AND I THINK THE RESEMBLANCE
IS ASTONISHING. I REALLY DO.
OH, AND THE BARBER THAT CAME EVERY DAY
TO KEEP HIM DISTINGUISHED-LOOKING,
WE FOUND OUT LATER
THAT THAT BARBER WAS ACTUALLY A PIMP
WITH A TALENT FOR HAIR.
AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WITH PIMPS,
NICOLE, YOU KNOW, THEY USUALLY--
THEY CAN'T DO HAIR FOR SHIT.
SO, YOU KNOW, THIS MADE MARRIAGE TO MY MOTHER AWKWARD,
SO WHAT SHE DID THOUGH WAS-- SHE'S CRAFTY--
SHE GOT-- SHE TOOK THIS MUSICAL IN NEW YORK
TO GET OUT OF THE MARRIAGE,
WHICH IN HOLLYWOOD IS ACTUALLY
A LEGAL WAY TO DISSOLVE A UNION
WITHOUT INVOLVING LAWYERS.
AND SHE TOOK ME OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL
AND PUT ME IN THE CHORUS OF THIS MUSICAL.
AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'VE HEARD,
CHORUS WORK IS FAR MORE VALUABLE
THAN AN EDUCATION WOULD EVER BE,
CLEARLY.
I GREW UP--
I GREW UP KNOWING
THAT I HAD THE PRETTIEST MOTHER
OF ANYONE IN MY CLASS.
BUT, YOU KNOW, MY MOM--
SHE'S ALSO-- SHE'S A LITTLE BIT ECCENTRIC.
I MEAN, SHE DOES-- SHE HAS A LOT OF UNIQUE IDEAS.
FOR EXAMPLE, SHE THOUGHT
THAT I SHOULD HAVE A CHILD
WITH HER LAST HUSBAND RICHARD
BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE NICE EYES.
I SHOULD PROBABLY EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU
BEFORE YOU THINK IT'S WEIRD.
UH, SEE, THE THING IS,
MY MOTHER-- SHE'D GONE THROUGH THE CHANGE, YOU KNOW?
SO SHE DIDN'T-- SHE COULDN'T HAVE CHILDREN ANYMORE.
AND RICHARD DIDN'T HAVE ANY CHILDREN OF HIS OWN YET.
AND HE HAD NICE EYES.
AND MY WOMB WAS FREE.
AND WE'RE RELATED.
MY MOTHER WANTS ME TO EXPLAIN TO YOU
THAT SHE THOUGHT THAT YOU COULD INSEMINATE SOMEONE
BY GIVING THEM AN INJECTION IN YOUR ARM,
PUTTING THE SEMEN RIGHT HERE.
IF SHE EVER THOUGHT
THAT IT INVOLVED SOMETHING SOUTHERLY,
SHE NEVER WOULD'VE SUGGESTED IT, OKAY?
NOW MY MOTHER DID NOT JUST BRING THIS UP ONCE OR TWICE
LIKE A NORMAL MOTHER WOULD,
LIKE YOU WOULD.
NO, SHE BROUGHT IT UP MANY MANY TIMES
AND MOSTLY WHILE I WAS DRIVING.
AND WHEN I FINALLY SUGGESTED TO HER
THAT, YOU KNOW, MIGHT BE AN ODD IDEA,
SHE SAID, "OH DARLING,
HAVE YOU READ 'THE ENQUIRER' LATELY?
WE LIVE IN A VERY STRANGE WORLD."
WELL, WHEN "THE ENQUIRER"
BECOMES YOUR STANDARD FOR LIVING,
YOU'RE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.
WHEN I TOLD MY GRANDMOTHER
ABOUT MY MOM'S IDEA,
SHE SAID,
"WELL, THAT'S NOT RIGHT."
THE VOICE OF REASON, RIGHT?
MY GRANDMA MAXINE--
SHE WAS FROM EL PASO, TEXAS.
MY MOTHER'S WHOLE CLAN
WAS FROM TEXAS AND ALL AROUND THERE.
AND MY FATHER'S PEOPLE WERE FROM SOUTH PHILLY,
IN THAT AREA.
SO BASICALLY WE'RE WHITE TRASH.
WELL, BECAUSE OF THE CELEBRITY FACTOR THOUGH,
I LIKE TO THINK OF US AS BLUE-BLOODED WHITE TRASH, YOU KNOW.
ANYWAY, I BRING UP MY GRANDMOTHER
BECAUSE WHEN MY MOTHER WAS ABOUT SEVEN,
MY GRANDMOTHER LOCKED HER IN THE CLOSET.
SO AFTER MY MOM
HAD BEEN IN THE CLOSET ABOUT AN HOUR,
SHE ASKED MY GRANDMOTHER FOR A GLASS OF WATER.
AND MY GRANDMOTHER NATURALLY SAID, "WHY?"
AND MY MOTHER SAID,
"BECAUSE I'VE SPIT ALL OVER YOUR DRESSES
AND NOW I'VE RUN OUT OF SPIT
AND I WANT TO SPIT ALL OVER YOUR SHOES."
THESE ARE THE PEOPLE I HAIL FROM, OKAY?
MY MOTHER AND I--
ULTIMATELY WE DIDN'T GO FORWARD
WITH THE PLAN FOR ME TO HAVE RICHARD'S BABY.
YEAH, AND I KNOW IT'S PROBABLY BEST WE DIDN'T.
WELL, I MEAN, ASIDE FROM THE OBVIOUS--
MY SISTER, MY DAUGHTER,
MY SISTER, MY DAUGHTER--
OW--
MY MOTHER ENDED UP HATING RICHARD.
AND SHE HAD A REALLY REALLY GOOD REASON.
THIS MAN--
HE BROKE HER PENSION PLAN.
OW. THAT'S HARD TO DO.
AND HE TOOK ALL THE MONEY SHE'D MADE
SINCE HARRY TOOK THE FIRST BATCH.
SO SHE SAYS TO ME AT THIS POINT,
"YOU KNOW, DEAR,
EDDIE'S STARTING TO LOOK LIKE THE GOOD HUSBAND."
"EDDIE THE GOOD HUSBAND"
BY ANTON CHEKHOV.
WHAT CAN YOU REALLY SAY
ABOUT MY FATHER?
I'M ASKING YOU.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU CAN SAY,
BUT HERE'S WHAT I CAN SAY.
MY FATHER--
HE IS UNBELIEVABLY CHARMING.
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, YOU WOULD LOVE HIM.
HE'S ADORABLE.
I MEAN, THERE IS A REASON THAT HE WAS ABLE TO SCORE
ALL THAT UNBELIEVABLE PUSSY--
WELL, YOU KNOW, I MEAN,
AND GET ALL THOSE FANTASTIC WOMEN TO MARRY HIM.
Eddie Fisher: ¶ IF I LOVED YOU ¶
¶ TIME AND AGAIN... ¶
MY FATHER IS 81
AND HE SMOKES FIVE JOINTS A DAY,
FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES, OF COURSE.
SO WE CALL HIM PUFF DADDY.
UM...
( applause )
NO, THE GREAT THING ABOUT THAT IS--
WE DID THIS SHOW NEAR TO WHERE MY DAD LIVES.
SO HE CAME TO THE OPENING NIGHT
AND HE BROUGHT HIS DEALER.
WHICH WAS FANTASTIC, YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE YOU REALLY WANT THE DEALER'S POINT OF VIEW
ON ANY WORK YOU DO.
RIGHT?
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
ACTUALLY A FEW MONTHS BACK
I SENT MY FATHER A COUPLE A STRIPPERS, AS ONE DOES.
AND HE WAS UNBELIEVABLY GRATEFUL.
HE CALLED ME AND HE SAID,
"BABY, I WILL DO ANYTHING YOU SAY.
I MEAN, YOU SAY, 'RUN,'
AND I SAY, 'HOW HIGH?'"
NOW...
ANYWAY, A FEW YEARS BACK
BILLIE AND I WENT TO SAN FRANCISCO
TO VISIT MY-- WHERE HE LIVES,
'CAUSE THERE IS A REALLY BIG CHINATOWN THERE.
THERE IS.
AND THE DAY BEFORE, MY FATHER--
HE'D GOTTEN THESE LITTLE HEARING AIDS.
YOU KNOW THOSE TEENY TINY ONES?
THEY FIT RIGHT IN YOUR EARS, RIGHT? THEY'RE SUPER EXPENSIVE.
WELL, MY DAD--
HE'D GOTTEN THEM THE DAY BEFORE, RIGHT?
SO THE NIGHT BEFORE HE DIDN'T WANT TO LOSE THEM
OR FORGET WHERE THEY WERE,
SO HE PUT THEM IN HIS PILLBOX
NEXT TO HIS BED SO THAT HE WOULD REME--
( laughter )
YES, IN THE MORNING HE ATE THEM.
SO WHENEVER HE COULDN'T HEAR BILLIE OR MYSELF,
WE'D YELL INTO HIS STOMACH OR HIS ASS.
I WISH I WAS KIDDING.
SUBSEQUENTLY HE GOT THE HEARING AIDS AGAIN
AND I DID HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO SEE THEM.
THEY ARE SIZE OF A LIMA BEAN--
A RUBBER LIMA BEAN WITH AN ANTENNA.
NOW LOOK, I ADORE PILLS.
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, HUGE FAN.
BUT THESE WERE TRULY
LIKE NONE I HAD EVER SEEN.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE LIKE IN THE MORNING.
WELL, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE LIKE, BUT...
I AM NOT THAT SHARP,
BUT I THINK I WOULD KNOW
IF I WERE EATING
A RUBBER LIMA BEAN WITH AN ANTENNA
TWICE.
WELL, IF YOU HAVE A LIFE LIKE MINE--
AND I KNOW SOME OF YOU DO,
'CAUSE I RECOGNIZE YOU FROM MY GROUP,
YES--
THEN THESE THINGS-- THEY GRADUALLY ACCUMULATE
UNTIL YOU BECOME KNOWN AS A SURVIVOR.
IT'S A TERM I REALLY DON'T--
I DON'T LIKE IT, YOU KNOW, REALLY.
BUT THE THING IS, WHEN YOU ARE A SURVIVOR--
WHICH, OKAY, WHATEVER.
I, YOU KNOW, RELUCTANTLY AGREE THAT I AM,
AND WHO HERE OVER 40 ISN'T?
BUT WHEN YOU ARE A SURVIVOR,
IN ORDER TO BE A REALLY GOOD ONE,
YOU HAVE TO KEEP GETTING IN TROUBLE
TO SHOW OFF YOUR GIFT.
NOW MY MOTHER SAYS,
"WELL, DEAR, WHAT ARE THE CHOICES?
NOT SURVIVING?"
MY MOTHER,
WHO INCIDENTALLY LIVES NEXT DOOR TO ME--
THAT'S NOT FUNNY--
SHE CALLS ME TO THIS DAY AND SAYS,
"HELLO, DEAR.
THIS IS YOUR MOTHER DEBBIE."
HEY, IT COULD BE MY MOTHER VLADIMIR.
YOU NEVER EVER KNOW.
I HAD BEEN SINGING IN MY MOTHER'S NIGHTCLUB ACT
SINCE I WAS ABOUT 13,
YOU KNOW, LIKE MOST TEENAGERS.
AND I CONTINUED TO PERFORM WITH HER TILL I WAS 17.
DON'T BE NERVOUS. IT'S JUST ALL SHOW BUSINESS. THAT'S ALL.
WOULD YOU SING MY FAVORITE FOR ME FOR JULIE AND JERRY?
DON'T SAY NO. JUST SING RIGHT OUT.
AND THE LAST PLACE THAT WE PLAYED TOGETHER
WAS THE LONDON PALLADIUM.
AND I GOT PRETTY GOOD REVIEWS.
SO THIS CHOREOGRAPHER GUY RON SOMETHING--
ANYWAY, HE CALLS ME AND HE ASKS ME
IF I WANT TO DO MY OWN NIGHTCLUB ACT.
MY MOTHER-- MY MOTHER THOUGHT
THIS WAS TRULY A LOUSY IDEA.
SHE THOUGHT INSTEAD
THAT I SHOULD GO TO DRAMA COLLEGE IN ENGLAND
BECAUSE IT WOULD BRING RESPECTABILITY TO THE FAMILY.
LIKE WE WERE A BUNCH OF HOOKERS, YOU KNOW,
AND DRAMA COLLEGE IN ENGLAND
IS THE ONLY WAY TO ERADICATE A TAINT LIKE THAT.
ANYWAY, SO NOW IT'S 1973
AND I'M 17
AND I'M ENROLLED
IN THE CENTRAL SCHOOL OF SPEECH AND DRAMA IN LONDON.
AND, YOU KNOW, LIKE I SAID,
AT FIRST I JUST-- I REALLY DID NOT WANT TO GO.
BUT ONCE I GOT THERE, IT WAS TRULY
SOME OF THE BEST TIMES OF MY LIFE.
I MEAN, IT WAS THE ONLY UNEXAMINED PART OF MY LIFE
WHERE I WAS JUST A STUDENT AMONG STUDENTS,
GOING TO VOICE AND MOVEMENT CLASS
AND LEARNING
WEIRD LITTLE TONGUE TWISTERS LIKE--
"ALL I WANT IS A PROPER CUP OF COFFEE
MADE IN A PROPER COPPER COFFEE POT. YOU CAN BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
BUT I WANT A CUP OF COFFEE IN A PROPER COFFEE POT.
TIN COFFEE POTS AND IRON COFFEE POTS-- THEY'RE NO USE TO ME.
IF I CAN'T HAVE A PROPER CUP OF COFFEE IN A PROPER COPPER COFFEE POT,
- I'LL HAVE A CUP OF TEA." - ( applause )
NOW-- OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
IF YOU ENJOYED
MY PERFORMANCE AS PRINCESS LEIA--
AND WHO COULD RESIST
MY STUNNING, LAYERED, MOVING,
NOT-UNLIKE-MARY-POPPINS PERFORMANCE?
--THEN IT IS THANKS TO TONGUE TWISTERS LIKE THAT.
CONSIDER:
"YOU'LL NEVER GET THAT BUCKET OF BOLTS PAST THAT BLOCKADE,
PROPER COPPER COFFEE POT."
OR:
"WHY, YOU STUCK-UP, HALF-WITTED,
SCRUFFY-LOOKING NERF HERDER.
PROPER COPPER COFFEE POT, I'D LIKE A CUP OF TEA."
IT'S DIALOGUE FROM THE "STAR WARS" FILM.
AND DON'T FORGET,
I HAD THAT WEIRD LITTLE ENGLISH ACCENT
THAT CAME AND WENT
LIKE WEATHER OR BLOAT
ALL THROUGH THE MOVIE.
GOVERNOR TARKIN,
I SHOULD'VE EXPECTED TO FIND YOU HOLDING VADER'S LEASH.
I RECOGNIZED YOUR FOUL STENCH WHEN I WAS BROUGHT ONBOARD.
( laughter )
( applause )
AND ALL MY FRIENDS MADE FUN OF ME
BECAUSE THEY SAID THAT THE TITLE OF THE FILM
SOUNDED LIKE A FIGHT
BETWEEN MY ORIGINAL PARENTS--
"STAR WARS."
( monitors bleeping )
( applause )
WELL, I-- YOU KNOW.
WELL, BUT HERE'S THE THING--
AS YOU AGE, IT'S ABOUT DIGNITY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO.
IT'S REALLY UNAVOIDABLE.
( chuckles )
GEORGE LUCAS RUINED MY LIFE.
I MEAN THAT IN THE NICEST POSSIBLE WAY.
AND NOW PEOPLE ARE STILL ASKING ME
IF I KNEW "STAR WARS" WAS GONNA BE
THAT BIG OF A HIT.
YES.
I KNEW.
WE ALL KNEW.
THE ONLY ONE WHO DIDN'T KNOW
WAS GEORGE LUCAS.
WE KEPT IT FROM HIM
'CAUSE WE WANTED TO SEE
WHAT HIS FACE LOOKED LIKE
WHEN IT CHANGED EXPRESSION.
AND THE MAN FOOLED US EVEN THEN.
HE GOT I.L.M.
TO CHANGE HIS FACIAL EXPRESSIONS FOR HIM
AND T.H.X. SOUND
TO MAKE THE NOISE
OF A FACE CHANGING EXPRESSIONS.
NOW NOT ONLY WAS THIS MAN
VIRTUALLY EXPRESSIONLESS IN THOSE DAYS,
BUT HE ALSO-- HE HARDLY TALKED AT ALL.
WHEN I GOT THIS JOB,
THEY TOLD ME THAT I HAD TO LOSE 10 LBS.
WELL, I WEIGHED ABOUT 105 AT THE TIME.
WELL, NO, BUT TO BE FAIR NOW,
I CARRIED ABOUT 50 OF THOSE POUNDS
IN MY FACE.
SO YOU KNOW WHAT A GOOD IDEA WOULD BE THOUGH?
GIVE ME A HAIRSTYLE
THAT FURTHER WIDENS
MY ALREADY WIDE FACE.
BUT GEORGE LUCAS--
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, THE MA--
HE IS A VISIONARY, RIGHT?
I MEAN, HE HAS TRANSPORTED
AUDIENCES THE WORLD OVER
AND HE'S PROVIDED
MARK AND HARRISON AND MYSELF
WITH ENOUGH FAN MAIL
AND EVEN A SMALL, MERRY BAND OF STALKERS,
KEEPING US ENTERTAINED
FOR THE REST OF OUR UNNATURAL LIVES.
NO, MY FAVORITE FAN STORY
ACTUALLY HAPPENED LAST YEAR.
WE WERE DOING THE SHOW IN SANTA FE.
AND SO I GO INTO THIS ROCK SHOP ONE DAY,
AS ONE DOES,
AND THE GUY BEHIND THE COUNTER GOES,
"AREN'T YOU--?" AND I'M-- "YEAH."
HE SAID, "I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU
EVERY DAY
FROM WHEN I WAS 12 TO WHEN I WAS 22."
AND I SAID, "EVERY DAY?"
AND HE SAID, "WELL, FOUR TIMES A DAY."
( audience exclaiming, laughing )
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY? "THANK YOU."
BUT NOW DON'T FORGET, GEORGE LUCAS--
HE WAS THE MAN WHO MADE ME INTO A LITTLE DOLL--
A LITTLE DOLL THAT MY FIRST HUSBAND
COULD STICK PINS INTO
WHEN HE WAS ANNOYED WITH ME.
THEN I WAS A SHAMPOO
WHERE YOU COULD TWIST OFF MY HEAD
AND POUR LIQUID OUT OF MY NECK.
AND I WAS A SOAP--
A SOAP WHICH READ:
"LATHER UP WITH LEIA
AND YOU'LL FEEL LIKE A PRINCESS YOURSELF,
BOYS."
AND, OH, I'M A STAMP.
NOW THAT'S REALLY COOL--
I MEAN, WELL, ASIDE FROM THE LICKING.
BUT, OH WAIT, DO YOU KNOW THE--
YOU KNOW THOSE MR. POTATO HEAD THINGS, RIGHT?
WELL, THEY ACTUALLY-- THEY MADE
A STAR WARS MR. POTATO HEAD LINE,
SO YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE ME
AS PRINCESS TATER
AND MY HUSBAND DICK
AND OUR DAUGHTER REHABILA TATER.
BUT THE MAIN THING--
THE MAIN MAIN THING THAT I'VE BEEN MADE INTO,
WHICH HAS JUST-- IT'S ENHANCED MY LIFE
JUST ENORMOUSLY--
I'M A PEZ DISPENSER.
NO, I AM.
I AM.
SERIOUSLY. NO.
AND IF SOMEONE OFFERS
TO MAKE YOU INTO A PEZ DISPENSER,
DO IT!
BECAUSE IT JUST--
IT MAKES YOUR WHOLE LIFE BETTER.
I MEAN, REALLY, IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN MERCHANDISED
FOR THE LAST 30-PLUS YEARS,
YOU HAVEN'T LIVED.
IF ONLY IT WERE AEROBIC.
NOW AMONG GEORGE'S MANY POSSESSIONS,
THE MAN OWNS MY LIKENESS.
SO EVERY TIME I LOOK IN A MIRROR
I HAVE TO SEND HIM A COUPLE OF BUCKS.
YOU KNOW, THEY--
I SAW THIS OTHER LEIA FIGURINE RECENTLY
AT, YOU KNOW, ONE OF THOSE
COMIC BOOK CONVENTIONS, RIGHT?
WHICH, YES, I GO TO WHEN I'M LONELY.
ANYWAY, SO THIS PARTICULAR FIGURINE--
IT'S ON A TURNSTILE, RIGHT?
SO WHEN IT GETS TO A PARTICULAR--
OH, VISUAL AIDS.
WHEN IT GETS TO A PARTICULAR PLACE ON A TURNSTILE,
YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE UP MY DRESS
TO MY ANATOMICALLY CORRECT,
THOUGH SHAVED,
GALAXY SNATCH.
I WAS A LITTLE TAKEN ABACK BY THIS, YOU KNOW?
SO I CALLED GEORGE AND I SAID,
"YOU KNOW, OWNING MY LIKENESS
DOES NOT INCLUDE
OWNING MY LAGOON OF MYSTERY."
OH, AND DO YOU REMEMBER THAT WHITE DRESS I WORE
ALL THROUGH THE FIRST FILM?
I MEAN, UNLESS YOU DIDN'T SEE "STAR WARS,"
IN WHICH CASE, WHY ARE YOU HERE?
SO THEY PUT THE DRESS ON ME THE FIRST DAY.
THEY BRING ME TO GEORGE.
TAKES ONE LOOK AT ME AND HE SAYS,
"YOU CAN'T WEAR A BRA UNDERNEATH THAT DRESS."
SO I SAY, "WHY?"
HE SAYS, "BECAUSE
THERE'S NO UNDERWEAR IN SPACE."
I SWEAR TO GOD,
I PROMISE YOU THAT HE SAID THIS.
AND THE MAN SAID IT
WITH SUCH CONVICTION TOO, YOU KNOW,
LIKE HE'D ACTUALLY BEEN TO SPACE,
LOOKED AROU--
DIDN'T SEE ANY BRAS OR PANTIES OR BRIEFS.
BUT, YOU KNOW, CLEARLY NOW--
CLEARLY THEY HAVE GONE AS FAR AS THEY CAN GO
WITH THIS WHOLE DOLL THING, RIGHT?
I MEAN, WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO NOW, YOU KNOW,
COME UP WITH, LIKE, A LIFE-SIZE LEIA, YOU KNOW,
STEPFORD LEIA TO RENDER ME OBSOLETE?
YOU'D GO TO HER SHOW.
SO, I MEAN, AT LEAST THEY HAVE NOT DONE THAT YET.
AND THANK GOD.
THANK GOD THEY HAVE NOT COME UP
WITH A LEIA SEX DOLL, YOU KNOW?
'CAUSE THAT WOULD BE REALLY HUMILIATING.
I MEAN, THANK GOD THEY HAVE NOT COME UP
WITH A LIFE-SIZE LEIA SEX DOLL
THAT THEY CHARGE $800 FOR
THAT YOU COULD PUT IN YOUR CORNFIELD
TO CHASE AWAY CROWS.
OH.
OH LOOK. THEY HAVE.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, YOU KNOW,
OBVIOUSLY I DID KNOW ABOUT THIS.
AND IT ACTUALLY-- YOU KNOW, IT HAS ITS USES.
BECAUSE IF EVER ANYONE
FROM THE AUDIENCE SCREAMS OUT,
"GO FUCK YOURSELF, CARRIE"...
I CAN GIVE IT A WHIRL.
SOMEBODY HAS TO SAVE OUR SKINS.
Younger Carrie: I WAS THE PRIZE PRINCESS.
I SWEAR, BY THE TIME I'M 30
I'LL GET THOSE BRAIDS OFF MY HEAD SOMEHOW.
Man: T-MINUS FIVE,
FOUR, THREE,
TWO, ONE.
Photographers: CARRIE! CARRIE!
Carrie: I WANT IT TO STOP.
RECENTLY I GOOGLED MYSELF
WITHOUT A LUBRICANT.
AND--
WHICH I DO NOT RECOMMEND, OKAY?
AND I CAME ACROSS THIS POSTING
THAT SOMEBODY MADE ABOUT ME.
AND IT SAID,
"WHATEVER HAP--?"
WELL,
"W-T-F HAPPENED TO CARRIE FISHER?
SHE USED TO BE SO HOT.
NOW SHE LOOKS LIKE ELTON JOHN."
WELL, YOU KNOW,
THIS HURT ALL SEVEN OF MY FEELINGS,
PARTLY BECAUSE I KNEW WHAT HE MEANT.
BUT, YOU KNOW, THE THING IS
I WAS HOT
WHEN MOST PEOPLE ARE HOT, YOU KNOW--
LIKE IN THEIR 20s AND 30s.
I DID NOT REALIZE
THAT WHEN I DONNED THAT FRICKING METAL BIKINI
BACK WHEN I WAS 23,
THAT I HAD MADE AN INVISIBLE CONTRACT
TO STAY LOOKING THE EXACT SAME WAY
FOR THE NEXT 30 TO 40 YEARS.
WELL, OBVIOUSLY I'VE BETRAYED THE CONTRACT.
OVER THE PAST COUPLE YEARS ACTUALLY
I HAVE BEEN HAVING
A SERIES OF E.C.T. TREATMENTS.
DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
'CAUSE THEY WOULDN'T TELL ME.
WHAT IS IT?
WHAT?
Man: ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY.
( laughs ) ELECTROSHOCK TH--
WHY WOULD THEY GIVE THAT TO ME?
THAT'S JUST-- WELL, ALL RIGHT.
DID YOU SEE "ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST"?
WASN'T I FANTASTIC?
NO, IT IS NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE.
IT ISN'T, REALLY. I MEAN, NOW IT'S REALLY FUN.
AND I TOTALLY RECOMMEND IT.
YOU KNOW, IF THERE'S, LIKE, AN OVERCAST DAY,
NO NEW MOVIES OUT,
DO IT!
SERIOUSLY, I MEAN, IT TAKES AWAY
EVERY VESTIGE OF DEPRESSION.
IT GETS YOU TOTALLY OFF YOUR BACK.
HERE'S-- THE OTHER THING IS
THERE'S NO CONVULSIONS ANYMORE.
THEY GIVE YOU THIS MEDICATION.
PROBABLY THEY COULD CALL IT E.T.
BUT THAT WOULD BE REALLY SILLY, WOULDN'T IT?
BECAUSE THEN IF I SAID
I HAD E.T. EARLIER IN THE WEEK,
YOU'D THINK I FUCKED AN EXTRATERRESTRIAL--
ESPECIALLY ME.
UH, NO, BUT--
THE THING IS THOUGH, LIKE I SAID,
IT IS-- REALLY, IT IS FANTASTIC.
HOWEVER, THERE IS A TINY TINY LITTLE DOWNSIDE.
ALONG WITH THE DEPRESSION,
IT TAKES A TEENY DOGGY BAG
OF ABOUT FOUR MONTHS OF MEMORY.
WORTH IT!
WHAT IS GONNA HAPPEN TO ME
IN ONE FOUR MONTHS AT MY AGE
THAT CAN'T HAPPEN IN ANOTHER FOUR?
NOW I TELL YOU THIS BECAUSE
IF AT ANY POINT DURING THE UPCOMING FESTIVITIES
I DRAW A BLANK--
WHICH IS A CONTRADICTION IN TERMS, BY THE WAY,
IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT--
THEN, YOU KNOW, FORGIVE ME
OR DON'T FORGIVE ME.
BUT AT LEAST YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHAT'S HAPPENING.
WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN FREQUENTLY SAY.
OKAY, WE'VE GOTTEN THROUGH ALL THAT.
ALL RIGHT, SO NOW
EVERY SO OFTEN
YOU MEET A MAGIC PERSON.
AND THAT'S REALLY-- THAT IS HOW I FELT WHEN I MET PAUL.
¶ I'M SITTING IN THE RAILWAY STATION ¶
¶ GOT A TICKET FOR MY DESTINATION... ¶
WE HAD THE SECRET HANDSHAKE
OF SHARED SENSIBILITY. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I MEAN, WE UNDERSTOOD EACH OTHER PERFECTLY.
YOU KNOW, PAUL AND I--
WE WERE ACTUALLY TOGETHER OVER 12 YEARS--
WELL, OFF AND ON.
AND SO, YOU KNOW, WE TRAVELED A LOT TOGETHER,
AND HE DID HIS SIMON AND GARFUNKELING AND STUFF.
AND PAUL-- HE WROTE AN ALBUM
BASED ON SOUTH AMERICAN MUSIC.
AND THAT ALBUM WAS CALLED "THE RHYTHM OF THE SAINTS."
AND ON IT WAS THE LAST SONG
THAT PAUL EVER WROTE ABOUT ME.
NOW IF YOU CAN GET PAUL
TO WRITE A SONG ABOUT YOU,
DO IT!
BECAUSE HE IS SO SO GOOD AT IT.
BUT THIS SONG WAS CALLED "SHE MOVES ON"--
IRONIC TITLE.
AND SO THERE'S THIS LYRIC IN IT
THAT I WANTED TO SHARE WITH YOU,
'CAUSE I'M FEELING KIND OF A CLOSENESS NOW, YOU KNOW?
AND THAT LYRIC IS--
"I'M AFRAID THAT I'LL BE TAKEN,
ABANDONED AND FORSAKEN
IN HER COLD
COFFEE EYES."
YEAH.
I'M A BITCH.
NO, BUT NO, WAIT.
HE WROTE ANOTHER SONG ABOUT ME.
AND THIS ONE WAS CALLED "ALLERGIES."
AND THE LYRIC IN THAT WAS--
"MY HEART IS ALLERGIC TO THE WOMAN I LOVE,
AND IT'S CHANGING THE SHAPE OF MY FACE."
IS THAT FLATTERING?
NO, I DON'T THINK IT IS EITHER.
BUT MY FAVORITE ALBUM OF HIS THOUGH
IS THIS ALBUM THAT'S CALLED
"HEARTS AND BONES."
AND THE TITLE SONG--
( "Hearts and Bones" playing )
WELL, IT ACT-- IT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE THIS,
BUT THIS COULDN'T BE IT,
'CAUSE WE DIDN'T GET PERMISSION TO USE IT.
SO THAT WOULD BE BAD, WOULDN'T IT?
OH, IT WOULD NOT BE BAD
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I NEVER TOOK ANY ALIMONY FROM PAUL.
SO THINK OF IT THIS WAY--
YOU'RE LISTENING TO MY ALIMONY.
AND LOVELY ALIMONY IT IS.
OH, WE GOT PERMISSION. ANYWAY, THE LYRIC IS,
"ONE AND ONE HALF WANDERING JEWS--"
- ¶ ONE AND ONE-HALF WANDERING JEWS... ¶ - I'M THE HALF, FROM EDDIE.
- ¶ RETURNED TO THEIR NATURAL COASTS ¶ - WEST IS MY NATURAL--
¶ TO RESUME OLD ACQUAINTANCES AND STEP OUT OCCASIONALLY ¶
¶ AND SPECULATE WHO HAD BEEN DAMAGED THE MOST... ¶
WHO HAD BEEN DAMAGED THE MOST.
GUESS WHO WON THAT CONTEST!
NOW I MARRIED PAUL
WHEN I WAS 26.
AND WE GOT DIVORCED WHEN I WAS 28.
AND AT 29
I WENT INTO REHAB.
NOW OBVIOUSLY NOT BECAUSE I NEEDED IT
BUT BECAUSE--
WELL, I WAS DOING RESEARCH FOR MY NOVEL
"POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE"
AND I NEEDED TO MEET SOME REAL ADDICTS
AND ALCOHOLICS, YOU KNOW,
FOR, LIKE, THE VERACITY OF THE NOVEL.
OKAY, FINE.
YES, I AM AN ADDICT.
YOU KNOW HOW THEY SAY RELIGION IS THE OPIATE OF THE MASSES?
WELL, I TOOK MASSES OF OPIATES RELIGIOUSLY.
NOW I WANTED TO WRITE A BOOK.
AND I KNEW WHAT THE FIRST LINE WOULD BE:
"MAYBE I SHOULDN'T HAVE GIVEN
THE GUY WHO PUMPED MY STOMACH
MY PHONE NUMBER,
BUT HE'LL PROBABLY NEVER CALL ME ANYWAY."
AND THIS ACTUALLY WAS BASED ON A TRUE THING.
SUZANNE, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO PUMP YOUR STOMACH!
( moans )
'CAUSE, SEE, THE DOCTOR THAT PUMPED MY STOMACH
SENT ME FLOWERS
WITH A NOTE WHICH READ:
"I CAN TELL THAT YOU'RE A VERY WARM
AND SENSITIVE PERSON."
THEY'RE FROM THE GUY WHO PUMPED MY STOMACH.
I WROTE "POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE," THE BOOK, THE NOVEL,
WHEN I WAS, LIKE, 28 OR 29 IN LOS ANGELES.
THEN I GOT BACK TOGETHER WITH PAUL AGAIN.
SO I WROTE THE SCREENPLAY OF "POSTCARDS" IN NEW YORK.
THEN THEY START FILMING THE MOVIE IN L.A.
WITH MERYL STREEP AND SHIRLEY MacLAINE.
I WANT TO BE ON THAT SET, RIGHT?
SO I START TRAVELING OUT TO L.A.
FROM NEW YORK A LOT.
AND THIS WAS REALLY BAD
FOR MY RELATIONSHIP WITH PAUL.
I MEAN, THINGS WERE GETTING WORSE
FASTER THAN WE COULD LOWER OUR STANDARDS.
I--
PRETTY SOON WE DID KNOW THAT IT WAS OVER.
MIKE NICHOLS ACTUALLY USED TO SAY ABOUT US
THAT WE WERE TWO FLOWERS, NO GARDENER.
NO ONE WAS MINDING THE RELATIONSHIP.
SO ONE OF THE LAST TIMES
I WAS FLYING BACK OUT TO L.A. AGAIN, RIGHT?
AND SO PAUL AND I HAD BEEN FIGHTING ALL MORNING.
HE DRIVES ME TO THE AIRPORT
TO GET RID OF ME FASTER.
AND I'M ABOUT TO GET ON THE PLANE, RIGHT?
SO I TURN TO HIM AND I SAY,
"YOU'LL FEEL BAD IF I CRASH."
AND HE SAID, "MAYBE NOT."
( laughs )
SO...
PAUL AND I WENT OUR RESPECTIVE WAYS.
AND HE WENT ON TO MARRY SOMEONE YOUNGER THAN HIMSELF--
EDIE BRICKELL FROM THE SOUTH.
SO, NOT TO BE OUTDONE,
I MARRIED SOMEONE YOUNGER THAN MYSELF--
BRYAN LOURD, ALSO FROM THE SOUTH.
NOW...
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN OUR CHOICES--
MY CHOICE FORGOT TO TELL ME
THAT HE WAS GAY.
WELL, HE FORGOT TO TELL ME
AND I FORGOT TO NOTICE.
REALLY, THOUGH LATER ON BRYAN--
HE DID-- HE EXPLAINED TO ME
THAT I HAD TURNED HIM GAY
BY TAKING CODEINE AGAIN.
AND I SAID, "YOU KNOW,
I NEVER READ THAT WARNING
ON THE LABEL.
I THOUGHT IT SAID 'HEAVY MACHINERY,'
NOT 'HOMOSEXUALITY.'
I COULD HAVE BEEN DRIVING
THOSE TRACTORS ALL ALONG."
TURNING PEOPLE GAY THOUGH--
IT IS KIND OF A SUPERPOWER OF MINE.
ADMITTEDLY NO, IT IS NOT CALLED UPON A LOT.
BUT WHEN IT IS,
I PICK UP MY PINK PHONE,
I PUT ON MY RAINBOW-COLORED CAPE,
AND I'M THERE LIKE A SHOT.
NOW, YOU KNOW,
I WAS PROBABLY REBOUNDING FROM PAUL A LITTLE BIT
WHEN I MET BRYAN A WEEK LATER.
BUT BRYAN THOUGH--
BRYAN, HE WAS REALLY REALLY HANDSOME.
WELL, HE STILL IS. HE IS.
LOOK, THAT'S WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE NOW.
WHEN I MET HIM HE HAD HAIR.
I DO THAT TOO.
I MAKE THEM BALD, I TURN THEM GAY--
MY WORK IS DONE.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
WHEN I FIRST MET BRYAN,
HE TOOK REALLY GOOD CARE OF ME.
HE TOOK SUCH GOOD CARE OF ME THAT I THOUGHT,
"YOU KNOW, THIS GUY WILL MAKE A GOOD FATHER."
AND HE DID.
SO, YOU KNOW,
FEARING NOW THAT EVERYTHING WOULD BE ALL RIGHT,
NINE MONTHS LATER MY DAUGHTER WAS DRAGGED FROM MY BODY
AS THOUGH IT WERE A BURNING BUILDING.
AND ONCE THIS WELL-FED, ROUND CREATURE
WAS RESCUED FROM THE RUBBLE OF ME,
I SENT OUT BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENTS
WHICH READ:
"SOMEONE SUMMERED IN MY STOMACH,
SOMEONE'S FALLEN THROUGH MY LEGS.
TO MAKE AN INFANT OMELET,
SIMPLY SCRAMBLE SPERM AND EGGS."
THANK YOU.
WE NAMED OUR ADORABLE LITTLE OMELET BILLIE--
BILLIE CATHERINE.
SO, YOU KNOW,
A YEAR LATER, WHEN BRYAN LEFT ME
FOR SCOTT,
WHO BECAME THE MAN THAT GOT THE MAN THAT GOT AWAY,
ALL OF MY FRIENDS TALKED TO ME
LIKE THEIR HAIR WAS HEAVIER ON ONE SIDE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
ARE YOU OKAY?
BUT MY MOTHER THOUGH--
MY MOTHER WAS--
SHE WAS AWESOME TO ME DURING THIS TIME.
SHE REALLY WAS. I MEAN, MY MOTHER--
WELL, OBVIOUSLY SHE'S LIKE A MOTHER TO ME.
BUT-- NO, BUT SHE SAID THIS FANTASTIC THING.
SHE SAID, "YOU KNOW, DEAR,
WE'VE HAD ALL SORTS OF MEN IN OUR FAMILY.
WE'VE HAD HORSE THIEVES
AND ONE-MAN BANDS AND ALCOHOLICS.
BUT THIS IS OUR FIRST HOMOSEXUAL."
NOW, YOU KNOW,
HAVING REALLY ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL WHATSOEVER
TO DO WITH BRYAN,
ABOUT--
ABOUT A YEAR AFTER THIS
I WAS INVITED
TO GO TO A MENTAL HOSPITAL.
AND--
WELL, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE RUDE, RIGHT?
SO YOU GO.
WELL, WAIT A-- WAIT A SECOND NOW.
IT'S A REALLY REALLY EXCLUSIVE INVITATION.
I MEAN, HOW MANY OF YOU
HAVE BEEN INVITED TO A MENTAL HOSPITAL?
I'M ASKING YOU FOR REAL.
ONE HUMAN.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- JIMMY. - JIMMY.
I TOLD YOU THOUGH, IT'S VERY EXCLUSIVE--
JUST JIMMY AND MYSELF.
OH.
MY MOTHER WANTS YOU ALL TO KNOW
THIS COMES FROM MY FATHER'S SIDE
OF THE FAMILY.
SHE IS AS NORMAL
AS THE DAY IS LONG.
NOW MY DIAGNOSIS--
I KNOW THIS WILL STUN YOU--
WAS MANIC DEPRESSION.
I THINK NOW THEY CALL IT BIPOLAR, RIGHT?
SO YOU MIGHT SAY I SWING BOTH WAYS.
OH, WAIT WAIT.
NOW THIS IS REALLY GONNA IMPRESS YOU:
I AM ACTUALLY
IN THE ABNORMAL PSYCHOLOGY TEXTBOOK.
- COME ON, HOW COOL IS THAT? - ( applause )
NO, WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT.
KEEP IN MIND,
I AM A PEZ DISPENSER
AND I'M IN THE ABNORMAL PSYCHOLOGY TEXTBOOK!
( applause )
WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T HAVE IT ALL?
NOW, YOU KNOW, OBVIOUSLY MY FAMILY'S SO PROUD,
BUT THE THING IS
I HEARD THAT I WAS IN THIS TEXTBOOK
AND I HEARD I WAS IN THERE WITH A PICTURE.
AND I THOUGHT, "WHAT PICTURE?"
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE ANYONE EVER PHONED ME AND SAID,
"HAVE YOU GOT A LITTLE SNAPSHOT OF YOURSELF
LOOKING DEPRESSED
OR MANIC?"
YOU KNOW, LIKE FROM THIS SHOW.
AND, YOU KNOW, RATHER THAN DESCRIBE IT TO YOU,
I SO BADLY WANT TO SHOW IT TO YOU.
( laughter )
NO, IT'S TRUE.
IT'S REAL.
SO I'M NOT CRAZY.
THAT BITCH IS.
ANYONE THAT WOULD WEAR
A STUPID HAIRSTYLE LIKE THAT
HAS TO BE NUTS.
NOW I HAVE TWO MOODS
THAT I'VE NAMED ROY AND PAM.
NOW ROY IS ROLLICKING ROY,
THE WILD RIDE OF A MOOD.
AND PAM--
PAM IS SEDIMENT PAM
WHO STANDS ON THE SHORE AND SOBS.
ONE MOOD IS THE MEAL,
THE NEXT MOOD-- THE CHECK.
EVER SINCE MY FATEFUL ANNOUNCEMENT
ON "DIANE SAWYER" THAT I WAS MENTALLY ILL...
I WENT INTO THIS OTHER PLACE.
AND I WAS HALLUCINATING.
LIKE ANYONE NEEDED TO KNOW THAT, RIGHT?
I COULD SEE CITIES OF THE--
FUTURISTIC CITIES OUT THE WINDOW.
I MEAN, DON'T YOU HATE IT
WHEN CELEBRITIES JUST-- BLAH BLAH BLAH--
TALK ABOUT THEMSELVES, YOU KNOW...
IT WAS AS THOUGH YOU COULD FEEL THE BACK
OF THE COOL OF THE MOOD WITH YOUR HAND.
...TELL YOU EVERYTHING?
I MEAN, WHO ASKED, RIGHT?
I JUST-- I FIND IT ALL SO WEARYING.
ACTUALLY, THAT IS MY POINT OF VIEW.
THAT'S WHY WHAT YOU'RE WATCHING RIGHT NOW
IS ME TALK ABOUT MYSELF BEHIND MY BACK.
NOW IF CARRIE--
IF CARRIE EVER FOUND OUT
THAT CARRIE FISHER IS DOING
A SOLIPSISTIC, PEOPLE-PLEASING SHOW LIKE THIS,
SHE WOULD BE SO HUMILIATED.
SO, PLEASE, IF YOU RUN INTO HER,
( whispers ) DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
ANYWAY, HAVING WAITED MY ENTIRE LIFE
TO GET AN AWARD FOR SOMETHING--
YOU KNOW, ANYTHING. I DON'T CARE.
OKAY FINE, NOT ACTING.
WHAT ABOUT A TEENY ONE FOR WRITING?
--I NOW GET AWARDS ALL THE TIME
FOR BEING MENTALLY ILL.
NO, REALLY.
I AM APPARENTLY VERY VERY GOOD AT IT
AND I GET HONORED FOR IT REGULARLY.
MY DAUGHTER-- SHE TELLS ME WHEN SHE GROWS UP
SHE WANTS TO EITHER BE A SINGER OR A COMIC.
I SAID, "WELL, BABY, IF YOU WANT TO BE A COMIC,
YOU GOTTA BE A WRITER.
BUT DON'T WORRY.
YOU HAVE GOT TONS OF MATERIAL.
YOUR MOTHER IS A MANIC-DEPRESSIVE DRUG ADDICT,
YOUR FATHER IS GAY,
YOUR GRANDMOTHER TAP DANCES
AND YOUR GRANDFATHER EATS HEARING AIDS."
AND MY DAUGHTER
LAUGHS AND LAUGHS AND LAUGHS.
AND I SAID, "BABY,
THE FACT THAT YOU KNOW THAT'S FUNNY
IS GONNA SAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE."
YEAH.
LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION.
NOW I HEARD SOMEONE SAY RECENTLY
THAT MANY OF US
ONLY SEEM ABLE TO FIND HEAVEN
BY BACKING AWAY FROM HELL.
AND, YOU KNOW,
WHILE THE PLACE I'VE ARRIVED AT IN MY LIFE
ISN'T PRECISELY EVERYONE'S IDEA OF HEAVENLY,
I COULD SWEAR SOMETIMES,
IF I'M QUIET ENOUGH...
I CAN HEAR THE ANGELS SING.
EITHER THAT OR I FUCKED UP MY MEDICATION.
BUT--
( siren wailing )
SHIT, THERE'S MY RIDE.
BEFORE I GO THOUGH
I WANTED TO SHARE WITH YOU SOME OF THE WISDOMS
THAT I HAVE ACQUIRED, YOU KNOW,
FROM GOING THROUGH ALL THIS SHIT, OKAY?
FIRST ONE--
RESENTMENT IS LIKE DRINKING A POISON
AND WAITING FOR THE OTHER PERSON TO DIE.
NOW SOME OF THE WISDOMS THAT I HAVE
I GOT FROM MY GRANDMOTHER--
MY MOTHER'S MOTHER, THE CLOSET LOCKER--
WHO TAUGHT ME
A FLY IS AS LIKELY
TO LAND ON SHIT
AS IT IS ON PIE.
THAT'S TRUE.
( laughs )
SHE ALSO SAID,
"CRY ALL YOU WANT.
YOU'LL PEE LESS."
( piano playing )
¶ YOUR CARES AND TROUBLES ¶
¶ ARE GONE ¶
¶ THERE'LL BE NO MORE ¶
¶ FROM NOW ON ¶
¶ HAPPY DAYS ¶
¶ ARE HERE AGAIN ¶
¶ THE SKIES ABOVE... ¶
( recording continues ) ¶ ARE CLEAR AGAIN ¶
¶ SO LET'S SING A SONG ¶
¶ OF CHEER AGAIN ¶
¶ HAPPY TIMES ¶
¶ HAPPY NIGHTS ¶
¶ HAPPY DAYS ¶
¶ ARE HERE ¶
¶ AGAIN. ¶
¶ HAPPY TIMES ¶
¶ HAPPY NIGHTS ¶
¶ HAPPY DAYS ¶
¶ ARE HERE ¶
¶ AGAIN. ¶
OKAY.
THERE.
BYE. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
¶ THE DREAMS I DREAMED ¶
¶ HAVE ALL GONE ASTRAY. ¶